May 22nd, 2016
It’s been a while… I probably needed to grow on my own for a hot minute without spilling my guts about every little thing! In the last year, I’ve had 4 quarterly blood draws, all coming back with great news. This last one has me a bit on edge as the number was just a little bit higher than my average, but my doc feels it’s nothing to worry about. Why should I stop believing in her now? So? I move on, like a good girl!
My hair has grown back! Not down to the middle of my back yet, but I’m getting there… in fact it’s fun to see the different stages of length, and see how stylish I can make it! I can even wear a ponytail now, LOL! I glance at my wigs that are hanging in my closet, knowing that they may have to spring to life within a moment’s notice, and occasionally I’ll run my fingers through them, slowly… remembering how they helped me through a pretty rough time. Ovarian Cancer only offers a 15-20% non-recurrence within the first five years. Those wigs are my “friends.”
I still travel back to see my kids regularly and they still quiver every three months while waiting for blood results. It’s like they want so badly to be “adult” about it, but I don’t think a mother’s child can ever grow up that much. They will now forever doubt life. It’s as if, while we all act as though nothing ever really happened, and as we try to get past it, the “pink elephant” has taken up residency in both of our homes. While in their home, I address that elephant and explain to all my kids that I’m feeling great, I’m not worried, I’m busy at work and my business is still growing!” In my own home, I tend to feel that elephant taking up more space in my living room than is necessary. As a result, I talk to myself quite a bit, trying to reassure myself that there IS no such thing as a “pink elephant,” and I need to move On!
I traveled quite a bit in this last year! I was very fortunate in that I could take all of my kids to Kauai for winter break! Guess who wore a bikini? Hahaha! My scars on the outside have faded quite a bit, it’s the ones on the inside that I’m still working on. Seeing a scar is just a constant reminder, that as much as we think we’re in control of our bodies, sometimes, we’re not. We try and keep ourselves fit, we watch what we eat, we feel it can never happen to us, but it can. As with anyone who has suffered an illness as great or greater than Cancer, we all stumble while trying to be something we’re maybe still not really ready to be. I’m getting there! I involve myself in my work, and my staff, and honestly don’t feel like I missed a beat. It helps to have something that keeps you focused.
I’m recovering from the fact that I couldn’t seem to mourn the death of my mom properly. I now know there was just too much that I had to do in order to keep it all together for me – for my kids. Losing your parent while your kids are worrying that they’re also losing You, is a heavy burden and we get used to pushing through the muck just to get to that god damned finish line.
My best friend who’d had a stroke while I was going through chemo, is ok! Tough roads ahead; but tremendous determination in his stride. Thinking back to all of whom I’ve lost or almost lost, I feel as though I have “Fred Flintstone feet,” that are running as fast as they can!
I’ve lost none of my sassiness, haha... it’s all come back! In fact I’m probably a bigger force to contend with now than before, because I know what I beat! SHEEE-YIT!
I’ve also picked up where I left off with my book- in fact, I don’t think I ever stopped? Holy hell, I wore the shit outta’ my cape! The book, “The Diary of a Sugar Mom,” was meant to be just the beginning of my business plan and can I tell you, in my wildest dreams, I never expected to have so many people admit to having as open a mind, as I do? “RealSugarMom,” my Facebook page gained 24,000 fans in 4 months time – (mostly women!) and I’ve created a very intimate podcast series, called Sugar Mom.
Lastly? I can still do hair, makeup, dress, heels, perfume, jewelry, all after having just shaved my legs – and be out the door in 15 minutes. Don’t Ask. Somehow, I just bounced back!
This may be my last blog for a while, as I’ve been podcasting a lot lately. I’ve recorded this entire blog series I wrote while going through the Ovarian Cancer stage. I’ve made it into a podcast series to be released in the next week or so, prior to Cancer Awareness Day. You’ll be able to hear it on iTunes. My hope is to make many more women aware of their bodies, by airing this podcast series, and retelling my story. We need more success stories, especially with a cancer that can’t be detected unless we’re very proactive.
In case you hadn’t noticed…
I’m a Survivor. 🙂